motherofallupdates

I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now. Why do I choose at certain points to start writing? And why, to continue that thread, do I not write when I’m thinking about how I’m not writing, and that I really should be writing down what I’m thinking right now but then I’m not. So why the hell am I not writing when I tell myself to write?

I think it’s this: System Overload.

In Prague, when I was sitting around, the writing sort of just came out, manifested itself in such a way that I was sitting on the couch, and the next second I was bounding for my computer, because I knew, I knew, that I had to get whatever was in my head at that very second down on some type of stationary, whether it really was my computer or a scrap of paper. This wasn’t happening every day. It wasn’t happening very often actually, but when it did, when that need and desire to express whatever thoughts I had at that very moment, I just did it.

Budapest is a little different.

There are many reasons why I have left my writing in a stunted state of neglect. But I don’t want to talk about those reasons. It would be long-winded and full of yawns…maybe. I want to give you all an update of what the state of things in this crazy country has brought about in ‘the life’. In order to do this though, I need to take a page from Bret Easton Ellis, and write it a la Rules of Attraction.

So. Listen:

I arrived in Budapest. Things were looking up. In a new country, but not so new, because I knew it from before but it was still new because it just felt new. Jamie is in Prague but that’s ok she is only a bus ride away and she will be here soon. Work is fine but it’s a lot of filming conferences and fuck that sucks sometimes. The editing. Oh fuck the editing. I cant wait to be bored out of my mind. I meet back up with my friend Jaro from back in the old Budapest days and his (semi) girlfriend and our mutual friend Tamas who is a crazy Magyar but I love him for it. Things are good things are fine its raining and grey but hey Im in fucking Budapest and I don’t want to be anywhere else. End of the month approaches and oop there go the funds. Drinking all the time, smoking crazy amounts of cigarettes, watching my body mass slowly shrink. Buts its great its Budapest! Soon it will start to get warm and then all hell will break loose, but in a good way. Beginning of the month fuck that is a great feeling! Going out having fun, laughing with friends, staying up late, rolling out of bed bloodshot eyes oh crap do I really have to go to work right now well fuck I do actually have to go now I just have to get up. Sleep through the alarm and oh no how could I sleep through my alarm? Middle of the month and things are still ok but jeez did I really go through that much money? Where did it all go? Play soccer on Margit Sziget watch people laugh at stupid people drink wine beer palinka and oh jeez Im falling over and Im still falling. Jamie emails me ‘Im going home its my only choice’ and fuck that’s going to be a long time but we’re going to make it, because we’re in love and nothing can break that. She comes down for a weekend before she leaves, has an interview at my office, and my boss gives us hope telling her she might be hired in a matter of days, if she could only stay. We hope for those days and then let down Im miserable she comes by the office the last day shes here it’s a fucking Monday I hate fucking Mondays and it’s a Monday right now well that makes perfect fucking sense so she comes by on my lunch break and its heart wrenching she leaves and I have to go back up to the office and work for 5 more hours the worst 5 hours of my life but not really but it got pretty fucking close. And then she leaves and Im stuck without her but Im going to keep it going and enjoy what I can without her but crap now it’s the end of the month again and Im eating rice like its my job but just wait until the 3rd of the month when my check clears but fuck im paid in dollars what was I thinking my country fucking sucks balls because really I just had to be born in this generation when the dollar is worse that toilet paper and the depression is coming. But yes! The third of the month its good everything is good and Ive moved into my new flat and one of my flat mates is a Hungarian girl named Katalin or Kati for short and my other flat mate is Edgar from Belarus but he says Russia so they must still have that Soviet mentality there but I have no idea really Im just trying to take it all in but it really is good because the people I meet make me laugh and smile and the friends are good work sometimes sucks but isn’t that just work is supposed to be about and theres this weird fucking clickage sometimes in the office and it annoys me but what can I do about it when I go to lunch every day I sit by myself and read a book because I guess Im a loner like that but really Im not its funny that this is the way it goes. I have meetings at work too and I watch the demarcation line wait is that what im thinking of when you had a war then it’s a stalemate and you just sit there watching the enemies on the other side but probably they’re your brothers and sisters and who knows wives maybe. No wait that’s not a demarcation line, that’s a demilitarized zone but I really think im thinking of a demarcation line fuck anyway theres the line and it keeps getting pushed back into my territory and honestly I really don’t have any say because Im nobody in the company just that video guy or the video kid as I’ve heard they sometimes call me because im the youngest in the company but oh well. First it was the company phone that never happened which I really didn’t care about anyway but hey when its promised to you and you think well shit now I can have two phones well that is just fantastic but no that’s not the way it works and I just get 10 bucks in credit for my old phone but really what the fuck is that shit as I said its fucking toilet paper and really not worth it anymore. And now I hear stirs that I wont even be traveling anymore to the offices around the world and that I will just edit what the people send me and fuck if they were paying me what they pay in the states you could strap a harness on me too but they’re not so fuck that. I took the job for that experience and now it just gets thrown out the window yeah fucking right might as well piss on me while you’re at it. At least the whole immigration thing is happening now but jeez that took a while to get into effect and really was it that hard to figure out. But enough about the company Im bored with them and Im thinking and drinking and wondering where Im going with this oh yeah my buddy Jaro who I mentioned earlier I think jeez did I mention well I must have because I’ve hung out with him straight for a month now and that can get to anyone seriously I started dreaming about that whole group Im hanging out with actually it was a pretty weird dream Tamas was hooking up with Szilvi and I don’t know that’s weird and I don’t know where Jaro was but he was around. I cant remember what I was doing probably just sitting there watching jesus really I hope not but I cant remember. Anyway fuck where was I going with this one oh yeah Jaro got a pretty nice camera, not HD but a Panasonic dvx100b and damn its pretty sweet my other buddy Scott Bourne I know right a fucking awesome name well anyway he got one back in school and I used it for some projects and really it is nice. Not the future of cameras but it pushed the bar in its prime and now the future is coming but its not here yet but soon just as soon Panasonic pushes down prices on their new P2 cards because damn flash drives are the way to go seriously I cant wait to pick me up one of those but damn wait I don’t have money to eat so why am I thinking of buying an $8 grand camera seriously man what are you thinking but oh one can dream I suppose. Anyway yeah this camera and we’ve got scripts in line and we’re going to be shooting in this prime location and we’ve got friends who want to act or say they want to act you never really can tell until you start shooting but sometimes they aren’t good any way. Its all in the experience and that’s why Im here I guess but I couldn’t get a job in the states anyway even Jamie hasn’t gotten a job yet and shes been trying for a month and jesus she is amazing at getting a job but the US economy is in such a shithole that I feel bad that my brothers are growing up in this muck right now because they deserve better and I wish they were around and I could hear their laughs and damnit Im tearing up but that’s how I feel and I have their picture up next to my desk with Taryn there too and shes holding Holden and Ive got Talon on my hip and that kid is a fucking giant jesus that was a while ago I bet he’s as tall as me now. My friend Szilvi told me the other day that Hold means moon in Hungarian and that the name Holden must have something to do with the moon actually she just said Hold means moon in Hungarian and I took that to mean that Holden had something to do with the moon and she thought it was cool when I told her I named him and shit I think its cool! And now it’s the middle of the month again and damn its April and sometimes its warm but it still rains here and when the hell is it going to get warm for real because seriously that’s what its all about and you know another thing I really like light coming into my room or my flat at all times at least when its light out but how my flat is situated in the foundations it lets no light in at least on the side my room is on and fuck that sucks because I really like my light but there’s no light for me now. Not that it really matters though because really its just raining and it feels like Seattle and I thought I had gotten away from that place but I guess not it never leaves you. And I watch the people here in Budapest and some of them are funny but the couples oh the couples are the worst they just sit there making out and having dry sex if my brothers are reading this then don’t worry about what that means it isn’t actually what you think it means just because it has the word sex in it. But really it is ridiculous and Budapest is just not the place when you’re in a long distance relationship and the one that you want to be holding and kissing and laughing with is thousands of miles away or however much that is in kilometers and really what is up with the metric system but anyway these fucking couples are having all the fun and I actually saw some guy stick his finger in his girlfriend’s mouth while they were making out what the fuck is that is that some new kinky thing that couples do I don’t know but really. When I was on Margit Sziget that means Margaret Island for all you non Hungarian speakers which I know is none of you and when I was there playing soccer or football as it is called here in Europe there was a couple laying down and petting and fooling around and making out and I launched a big kick straight at them fully meaning to hit them and sure enough ball bounced off the girl and man they were pissed they got up to leave right then and there and the guy oh the guy was perfect he was staring at me for a while and I was just looking at him blatantly but not really laughing just waiting to see what he would do they were probably in highschool or whatever the highschool equivalent is here but damn you could tell he was mad, but probably only because she got hit with a soccer ball and everybody else was acting like I was the bad guy except for Tamas oh my god you should have seen him he just stood their and glared like really glared not some pussy glare but this serial killer glare like Im going to rip out your liver while you’re tied up and im going eat it and move on into the next bodily organs but damn that’s a fucked up image but he really was looking like that and I think that’s the only reason why the guy never came up to us none of us are really imposing except for Tamas he’s like a big bear but not like a thin bear and im tall but now im thin as hell and then Jaro well he’s just thin and kinda short and Szilvi is a girl and would do nothing against an attacker and I doubt they will read this but maybe oh who knows but the guy never came up and Im pretty sure its because of Tamas because really he looked scary. Right after they left with the guy throwing imposing looks over his shoulder and holding his girlfriend Jaro said that the first film with a serial killer that we shoot we already had our serial killer because Tamas was just the right guy for the job but he’s not a serial killer in real life only incredibly stubborn and Magyar and starting to speak to me in Hungarian and now I understand him mostly because of the endings of the words I don’t have to understand what the words mean I just have to know that he’s talking to me to me because when I know hes talking to me at least I can rip him a new one in English. And Szilvi has started to speak to me in Hungarian too and slowly Im beginning to understand but it takes a lot of time to figure out what exactly is going on. Oh ok Jaro just called me he and I had this idea the other day like what would happen if your weed sack gained consciousness and really did not want to get smoked and I thought it was genius and so did he and he wants to write it and film it and I think it would be pretty funny if you shot it right but who knows some times what you think is really good just isn’t and sometimes those things that are bad are really great and you never really know do you because things are just things and fuck its raining again I cant believe this weather because really is it that hard to get